IDC Back in Action, Live Spring Break '02, Sikeston MO!

I’m getting more used to being here and away. I am not so sad as I was at first although, sometimes thoughts keep crossing my mind, things to say things or jokes or words or root words or prefixes added to colors or names of candies or birds, or well placed objects or awkward guys carrying heavy loads, that I want to say to someone and sometimes I do say it and sometimes its understood and sometimes we have some huge bouts of laughter, enough to fill three bags. But other times I don’t feel I have anyone to say it to and writing it down doesn’t work, isn’t the way to go about it, doesn’t reflect it at all. You had to be there you see or something like that kind of deal. So instead they hover in my mind and I wonder whether to laugh or to think about something else and then maybe both happen and it is swept away never to be told or heard outside the bounds of brains, or more appropriately: my brains bounds.

I was listening to a lot of sun kil moon or mainly just the first two tracks really, but I’m unsure how, if you have any capacity for sadness within you, you could possibly listen to “carry me Ohio” or the cassius clay song and not feel some very heavy pressure in your organs and then think about some kind of video collage of over the rhine photography, you know like driving on some flat Midwestern road and then a worn out porch with a worn out dog, and maybe something burning and then different old peoples faces, mostly wrinkles and sometimes a hat, and then an old girls school photograph from 1918. This all makes your heart feel tied to some heavy bags of rice, until you learn to how to make it not feel like that and then they are just some darn good songs. This was easier back in the old US, sheltered by friends, hearts enlarged by nine or sometimes nineteen. Then if it was even there I could quite handily beat it back or neutralize. But sometimes here its too dangerous.

I becoming less and less shy around these new friends here, which is good, because as you may know I have a large box of joy which can be filled and spilled upon others, But it needs to be coaxed and encouraged by those around me, I need to bounce my face off the bodies of my friends, be carried as well as carry. I can be a shiny object floating in milk or a maybe even a brick with legs and detective hat, smiling, standing almost upright but actually if you pay attention, leaning at a slight angle. But I need others that know me to push me and bring me around and color me badd. I am not good at doing things alone and I kind of doubt that is the way its supposed to be anyway, at least for me, but I like to apply the things that are for me to everyone. Alone doesn’t work, isn’t healthy for my brains or hearts or brain’s hearts. Next time I go somewhere I’m not going to go there alone. But for now it is like this. I’m probably supposed to learn something from this actually, and then come back more prepared and better equipped with a firmer handshake and an upgrade from the silver boots to the gold boots, with an increased ability to jump or make pleasant comments or identify different trees.

But I’ve made friends and I’m not really alone anyway. So whatever. Like I said I’m getting better and quite adjusted. But I need to explode not just cope.